Grief: The Delicate Dance of Supporting Someone Experiencing a Loss

Grief is a natural, universal response to loss – we all experience it, multiple times throughout life. It’s the emotional pain we feel when something important to us changed – divorce, breakup, losing a job, the death of a loved one, a new job, relocating – The pain of loss can be subtle or overwhelming. Grief stirs up a whirlwind of emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief or guilt. Coping with the loss of someone or something you deeply care about is one of life’s biggest challenges that we cannot avoid. And there is no right or wrong way to experience grief. However, the most important thing is to give yourself the space to experience it.

Grief is a common reason people seek therapy – and oftentimes, people are prompted to seek therapy because they want solutions to a problem. After several sessions, however, something else takes precedence: the need for psychological safety to unveil parts of themselves that they feel most ashamed of, worried about, or dislike – to break the silence and to be seen. Many of my patients have told me that the most helpful thing they got from therapy wasn’t even the coping skills or interventions, but rather having someone that is trustworthy, neutral, nonjudgmental, and can hold the space for them to explore and express themselves, fully and completely.

I’ve been doing therapy for a while – and the observation I see in daily interactions that impede deeper connections is that people are uncomfortable with difficult emotions, especially when someone is grieving. It’s natural to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is really struggling. Grief can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for many people, especially if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves. Many people feel unsure about how to comfort someone who is grieving and worry that they will end up saying or doing the wrong things. Sadly, this leads some people to retreat into a shell and avoid social contact.

Early in my career as a therapist, whenever a patient broke down and cried uncontrollably, I remember feeling completely lost and out of place – it was this out-of-body experience where I wanted to escape. My body was there, but my mind was not. What’s the “best” thing to say or do in this moment? How do I comfort this person? What if I say something that makes them cry harder? Do they want to be comforted? Should I ask a question? These are things that went through my mind. Indeed, it felt very awkward for me – and to be honest, it was kind of scary. It’s very different now – but it took work.

Although with good intentions, people go-to methods of support for their friends or loved ones are to prescribe advice, state a positive affirmation, or avoid the painful topics altogether. Sometimes this may work – or we think it does – but this actually can encourage the other person to hide, filter, or be less open with you over time. I can’t tell you how many times patients, from all ages and walks of life, would tell me that they can’t talk to their parents, friends, or partners about their pain.  Most people just want someone to be okay with not being okay with them. It’s a delicate dance to support someone suffering.

My Story of Grief

Back when I was working in the intensive care units (ICUs) for Stanford Children’s Health at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital (LPCH), it was the peak of the pandemic in 2020 – we (the staff) were learning and creating protocols as we went trying to keep up with the novel COVID-19 to keep the patients safe. This was a very hard time for healthcare workers. I remember on the second day of the job, a 12-year-old boy was brought into the ER and then to the ICU on life support due to a traumatic accident from a hit and run (ie. a car ran into him while he was crossing the street). He suffered a severe spinal cord injury, severed from the neck – the attending doctor stated it as essentially being “decapitated.” The boy also sustained internal injuries and bleeding, broken bones and a traumatic brain injury (TBI). He was unconscious, barely alive. I remember being in the meeting with the attending physician and other medical personnel when I overheard that this child had “very little to no chance of survival.” We had to mobilize a plan quickly to support the family – all while enforcing COVID-19 protocols, which meant limiting the amount of people that could visit and be in the medical room. At the time, the amount allowed for visitation was two. Yet, the entire family of 13 members were in the lobby of the hospital desperately waiting to get in and get answers. Thankfully, after a bit of an ordeal, we were able to get the entire family in to be with the boy’s final moments. I was there with the family – as they prayed, cried, and cried some more. I remember seeing the pain and suffering from the faces of the boy’s two younger siblings – one 10 and the other 7. I was with this family for roughly 4 hours – making sure to support the family, especially the younger siblings. That night, I remember crying in private. This was the first of many deaths I was involved in at the hospital. The pandemic made things hard for many people –which only made the reality of what it was like in the hospital for the medical staff, the patients and the patients’ family even harder. Later that year, a colleague committed suicide and I was one of the last people she communicated with. This really cemented the reality that I was struggling with my own mental health.

I was struggling with burn out, compassion fatigue, and grief. During this time, I was reminded that people were very uncomfortable with grief and loss. In my efforts to grieve, I would reach out to my support network. And I remember feeling frustrated, at times very agitated – because it almost felt as if my friends and family wanted me to grieve quickly. And although I knew that people cared, what I truly needed was for the grief to matter. I felt alone, and even more so, around others. This isn’t uncommon. This experience provided a deeper appreciation and insight on what it meant to love and care for something or someone.

Support for Grief and Loss

I’m not going to go into the spiel of the stages of grief – there’s a lot of resources on this that can be found here. Essentially, the stages indicate that grief is a process that people pass through – and not always in a linear process. The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw and retreat – I certainly felt this way. But it’s important that you find a way to express and process your grief.

For those who are grieving, consider the following:

1. Reach out to friends and family members. Lean on those who care about you. Spending time with them does not mean you have to talk about your grief every time. Know your own limits and boundaries.
2. Accept that most people feel uncomfortable and awkward when supporting someone who is grieving. Just know that when someone reaches out to you, it’s because they care.
3. Join a bereavement support group or community in your area.
4. Seek support from a professional therapist or grief counselor.
5. Practice self-care – taking care of your physical health, maintain your hobbies/interests, give yourself permission to not be okay, be self-compassionate and extra kind to yourself, find creative outlets to express your feelings.
6. Consider Worden’s 4 tasks of grieving:
   1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
   2. Experience the Pain of Grief
   3. Adjust to an Environment with the “Deceased” Missing
   4. Find an Enduring Connection with the “Deceased” while Embarking on a New Life

Whatever you do – it’s important to face and feel your feelings. Grieving is a sign that you care – don’t shut that out. Engage with grief and adapt with it at your own pace.

For those supporting someone who is grieving, consider the following ideas:

1. Acknowledge the pain and loss.
2. Don’t be afraid to mention the deceased or talk directly about what happened – it’s okay to bring it up or ask for their names.
3. Accept that their grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
4. Reach out, obviously. Check in every now and then just to say “hello” (you may find it helpful to put reminders on your calendar). Most bereaved people find it difficult to reach out and need others to take the initiative.
5. Help out when you can. No need to ask if you can “do anything.” That transfers the burden to the bereaved, and he or she may be reluctant to make any requests. Instead, be specific when offering help. It doesn’t have to be anything grand. Small efforts can go a long way – e.g. bring lunch, cook a meal, help with shopping for groceries when you’re doing your own shopping, provide information on grief support groups, etc.
6. Listen instead of advising. Unless you are asked directly for your advice, don’t be quick to offer it. As mentioned earlier in the blog, those who are grieving really wish others would just listen. In fact, advising can lead others to make attempts to put on a “mask” around you (or isolate themselves) to accommodate your discomfort of their grief. It’s your empathy and compassion—not your advice—that is most needed.
7. Understand that their grieving process will be unique to them. The emotional landscape for someone grieving is likely changed, possibly forever. You may wish they would move on, but you can’t speed the process or even ensure that it happens. Let them heal at the pace that feels right for them.
8. If you’re feeling lost and helpless – don’t be afraid to reach out and consult with a grief counselor or professional.

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life ~ Susan David, PhD.

Supporting someone who is grieving takes practice before you can navigate it with some grace. And it absolutely takes emotional courage to talk about the hard things in life. But remember, the struggles and disappointments of life can propel you into some of the most creative, powerful and redefining moments.

About Author

Albert Nguyen is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. He specializes in providing an integrative and eclectic approach to mental health care that includes personal self-care, anxiety and depression, and peak performance in children, teens and adults. Reach out for more information on how he can be of service to you here.