The New Year represents a fresh start – a chance for change, optimism, and hope. This particular calendar date often mobilizes people into setting and achieving personal goals. Whether you follow this tradition or not, any excuse to re-evaluate and refocus on your self-improvement by pegging goals to a marked time can be highly useful. The problem is that it doesn’t always last. And like most goals, it’s a phenomenon that upsets even the best of intentions.
Research show that only 19 percent of people keep their resolutions and that most fail by mid-January. But why? What causes most of us to abandon our aspirations, even the ones we are most excited about? And so soon in the year at that? Many people know that resolutions often fail – some even scoff at the idea of making a New Year’s resolution. So, you may be tempted to save yourself the time by not setting any at all for the year ahead. But before you abandon the process altogether, consider reevaluating your usual method, understanding more about the process of change and why resolutions can be useful.
Meaning-Making is Part of Human Nature
Life is only as meaningful as what you create and accept into your life. As a therapist, I advocate and encourage everyone to celebrate personal milestones, define meaning in what they do, perform personal rituals, and create value that moves far beyond what eyes can see. Ceremonies, rituals, celebrations, birthdays, holidays, traditions – whatever you want to call it – these practices infuse a sense of meaning that not only helps define the events of our lives from the mundane, but also helps make us live more authentically through our own unique and special way. Having definitive moments help us see particular dates as a marked and significant division in the timeline.
With increasing awareness, we have the power to become more intentional, deliberate and proactive in how we live our lives. It’s important that we take an active role and make decisions on the type of journey we believe is worthwhile – one that we’d like to embark on, can be proud of and with challenges we’d be willing to rise up to. As a therapist, I have heard many life stories – all very transformative. I’ve concluded that most of us don’t really see life on a continuum, but rather we tend to craft a narrative, divided into separate “chapters” that mark different stages and major life events – such as graduating from college, getting married, or having your first child. These “chapters” provide a division of time, allowing your mind to create a sense that you have a fresh start, that you can turn the page, or that you have another chance to begin anew.
In the end, make these moments your own — not just New Year’s. Your life is a celebration – it matters. Make it mean as much as it deserves.
Why Resolutions Doesn’t Usually Work on January 1st
The real reason most resolutions fail is because the majority of us are not in the right mindset yet – and not everyone is spontaneously ready for change exactly on January 1st. In psychology, there are five basic stages of change that each person passes through:
- Precontemplation: Commonly described as being in denial – you deny having a problem.
- Contemplation: This is when you’re ambivalent, but making evaluations. You think about the pros and cons of making change.
- Preparation: Also known as the planning stage – You take steps to prepare to make a change.
- Action: You begin executing and making efforts to change your behavior(s).
- Maintenance: You figure out how to stick to your change over the long-term and making it a lifestyle.
Some representations of this model of change include a sixth stage—relapse. This reflects trial and error – the fact that mistakes are part of the process and the way you address and cope with the slip-ups plays a vital role in your ability to stick to change.
Recognizing where you are on the stage of change can assist you in figuring out the next steps that is right for you.
5 Strategies to Consider for Your New Year’s Resolution:
- Meet Yourself Where You Are and Start Your Resolution When You’re Ready. Taking accountability is a very challenging process that some of us try to bypass. But moving straight to action lead to a lot of unnecessary, preventable frustrations. If you want to play the game of change, you have to know who you’re playing against – and in this case, you! The truth of the matter is, we get in our own way more often than we’d care to admit. Recognizing and accepting that you have a problem in need of change is only part of the process. Acknowledging that you want to make a change is not enough.
- Consider the Pros and Cons to Change. Early on in the first few sessions of therapy, I typically assign my patients a homework called, “the pros and cons to change.” The purpose of the exercise is that you actually have to decide that the pros of changing your life outweigh the cons of staying the same. Too many of us only think about how great the outcome will be, but we don’t have a realistic perception of the actual process — so many of us dive in blind, only to realize we didn’t want the change as bad as we thought. So, sit down, reflect on the change you’re trying to make. Make a list of the pros and cons to change and then a separate list of the pros and cons for staying the same. Be honest with yourself.
- Clarify Your Values. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. You need to clarify your values – they act as your code of ethics and help you make decisions that delivers consistent action. A goal is only as meaningful as the reflection that goes into setting it. Reflect on key areas of your life such as your health, wealth, relationships, work, and spirituality. How fulfilled are you in these areas of life? Spend some time reflecting, writing, or discussing what you want to be different. Which one do you feel most energized about? Remember to always tie it back to your most cherished values. Do your resolutions and goals align with what really matters to you?”
- Develop Your Unique Rite of Passages. Let’s face it: the process of change is hard – not all of us are lucky enough to get by in one go. Most of us will face lots of failures, make tremendous sacrifices, and struggle with the boredom that often arises from being disciplined. One of the hardest things about change is maintaining it for the long haul. Back when I was training diligently as a martial artist, I was doing upwards to 1,000+ punches and kicks per day to master the techniques and to make them feel like second nature. As you can imagine, the training became very repetitive and boring. I was beginning to lose interest in the journey. What was my solution? I created benchmarks that acted as a definitive moment to mark my own progress and what was most important at that stage – it provided a very clear division in the timeline of my long-term goal. Think of this as creating your own specific “tests, exams, or celebrations” that will help welcome yourself into your transformations and appreciate your particular progress thus far. For example, I chose competitions, setting up opportunities to teach others self-defense, doing demonstrations for public events, or silent meditation retreats. It can be a ritual, event or experience to mark your current milestone or level of achievement or change. I often call this practice as a personal “Rite of Passage.” Most change is a quest for identity and meaning – an inward process that helps us learn more about who we are and how we can live meaningful lives. I strongly believe that we all should take an active role in designing our own experiences and/or celebrations. The sky’s the limit here – get creative to make the journey more enjoyable.
- Fall in Love with the Pain of Change. Acceptance is a common theme in therapy because it helps us navigate the difficulties of life with a bit more grace. It’s important that we acknowledge, accept and anticipate the process of change so that we can effectively adjust and adapt as needed. So, instead of worrying and being surprised by failures, misfortunes, mistakes, and the pain that may or may not come during your pursuit of change – just open yourself up to them. Fall in love with them – understand them deeply and intimately – it will allow you to have more compassion rather than fear, which will permit you to work with them (vs it working against you). This goes a long, long way. And with most effective change, it becomes a way of life.
So…What Will Your New Year’s Resolution Be?
As a mental strength trainer and therapist, I’m well aware that people don’t change their lives until they’re ready. So, start where you are. And, just remember that you do not have to launch your resolution on January 1st. Delaying your goal is better than abandoning it altogether. In the end, having an attitude of self-compassion is a good way to ensure you stick to the process. Self-compassion allows us to say ‘ouch, I really fell off my goal’ and ask ourselves ‘what do I need to do to show unconditional regard for myself?’ Then you can dust yourself off and try again, even if it isn’t New Year’s. If nothing else, use this time to prioritize mental health and be a bit more compassionate towards yourself and others – we’ve all made it through some very tough times. Look out and reach out for one another. There’s power in that.
About Author
Albert Nguyen is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. He specializes in providing an integrative and holistic approach to mental health care that includes personal self-care, anxiety and depression, and peak performance in children, teens and adults. Reach out for more information on how he can be of service to you here.
