Have you ever felt like you’re drifting through life without a clear direction? I’ve seen firsthand how understanding and living by our values can transform our lives. Yet, most of us never take the time to define what truly matters to us. We adopt societal norms without clarification or questioning if they align with who we are as a person. Over time, we lose sight of our true north, feeling off-course and unfulfilled.
We betray ourselves all the time by violating our values and compromising them for other ideas and ways of living that aren’t truly important to us. This self-betrayal leads to unhappiness and a sense of disconnection – a disconnection from ourselves. Our emotions constantly signal when we ignore or stray from our values—we feel uneasy, irritated, dissatisfied, and sometimes even stuck and lost.
Imagine waking up each day with a sense of purpose, making decisions that align with your deepest beliefs, and feeling genuinely fulfilled in every aspect of your life. Sounds amazing, right?
Living a more meaningful and fulfilling life – one where your decisions, lifestyle, struggles, achievements, and actions enhance the overall quality of your life – all starts with knowing your values.
The Role of Values in Our Lives
Values are more than abstract concepts; they are the guiding principles that shape who we are, our thoughts, emotions, actions, decisions, and overall life direction. They reflect what we find important and meaningful. When we align our lives with our core values, we experience a sense of purpose and fulfillment. However, many people lack clarity about their values, leading to a life that feels off-course.
In my practice, I’ve observed that almost all of my patients—and people in general—don’t have a clear understanding of their values. Sadly, most adults are more familiar with their workplace’s vision, mission, and core values than their own intrinsic values. Why? It’s not natural for most of us to regularly sit and contemplate our values and how they are cultivated in our lives. Instead, over time, we adopt pop culture, societal norms, or the values of others without challenging or personalizing them. This lack of clarity can cause us to make decisions that misalign with our true selves, leading to internal conflict and unhappiness.
Our emotions often signal us when we betray our values. Feelings of unease, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness indicate that we are compromising what truly matters to us. For instance, persistent unhappiness despite outward success might signal that your achievements are not aligned with your core values. Knowing your values is a journey of self-discovery – one that involves reflecting on what truly matters to you, what brings you joy, and what you believe is right. This process requires time and introspection but is essential for living an authentic and fulfilling life.
Your values act as your true north, guiding you back when you feel lost.
The values you live by should be a choice that you consciously make through self-reflection and self-exploration. And once decided, understand that they are not static – they evolve as we grow and experience new things. Regularly revisiting and reevaluating your values ensures they remain aligned with who you are and who you want to become. This ongoing process of reflection helps you navigate life’s challenges with greater clarity, intention, and confidence.
Not clarifying your values often means you become a victim to your instinctual impulses and the environment around you, reacting and responding to every stimulus and attention-grabbing distraction. Without clear values, you are not in control of your life; instead, you are driven by external forces.
Values are deeply internalized cognitive structures that guide our choices by evoking a sense of basic principles of right and wrong and establishing priorities.
By taking the time to identify, define, and ultimately live by our values, we can create a life that is more intentional, deliberate, meaningful, and fulfilling. Whatever your goal is in life – knowing your values is the foundation for achieving them and living a life of integrity and happiness.
Knowing and Living Your Values
Values differ from goals – goals are often something to be achieved and crossed off, but values are ongoing processes you continuously aim to embody. For instance, valuing health requires daily habits like eating nutritious foods and exercising regularly, unlike the goal of losing ten pounds, which can be completed.
Living by your values means practicing them daily so that you begin to embody them. Start simple—frequency of practice is more important than sophistication. Simple, consistent practices will evolve over time, becoming more sophisticated as you creatively define them through personalized actions.
Research by Schwartz (1992) on the Theory of Basic Human Values indicates that values guide our choices and behaviors. Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory (2000) emphasizes that living according to intrinsic values enhances well-being and life satisfaction. Daily practice creates a feedback loop, reinforcing your mentality and commitment to your values. Focus on one to two values each day to maintain consistency and avoid feeling overwhelmed. Over time, as these values are in the forefront, you will naturally get more creative and these values will naturally integrate into your life, guiding you towards a more meaningful, intentional existence.
Identifying Your Values
Identifying your values is a crucial part of answering a fundamental question: Who are you?
This question goes beyond what you do for work, your culture, nationality, biology, socio-economic status, gender, or sexuality. It’s not about the labels or groups you identify with, the roles you play, your hobbies, or your daily activities. These are all surface-level constructs. Who we are is much more multifaceted and deeper than these superficial identifiers. It’s natural for many of us to answer this question with shallow responses, using words and labels that have a world of meaning behind them that we’ve never truly defined for ourselves. We just assume that they come with a set of prescribed meanings and connotations. But, where did you get them? How did you come to understand it the way you do? And why are you drawn to those labels and not others?
In my work with patients, value work is almost always part of the treatment. Many, if not all, identify themselves through labels – specifically around work, school, and roles. Often, the deep work comes from questioning why those labels are important – we begin peeling back the layers and layers of the onion, so to speak. Through this process, we often find deeper values far beyond the labels, and sometimes we even let go and transcend those concepts, realizing that there are unifying and universal principles we’re all striving for—such as trying to be a good person and defining what “good” means.
Each person has their own set of values, and only you can define what they are. This process of exploration takes time, as values are complex and deeply rooted in both conscious and unconscious processes. Values are implicit motivators that influence our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They are the fuel that drives our actions and helps us progress in life. Understanding and aligning with your values can lead to self-expansion and fuller self-actualization.
Many of my patients come to therapy feeling lost or stuck, unsure of what they truly want or what matters to them. The work often involves reflecting on their most fulfilling moments, considering their reactions to significant life events, and paying attention to their emotional responses. For instance, being triggered or upset can often signal what truly matters to us, providing clues to our core values.
The work begins with simple words and exploring how they show up in our lives. It’s about discovering your personal truth of these values and allowing them to guide your life authentically.
Practical Strategies for Living Your Values
Living by your values requires intentionality and consistent effort. Habit formation is all about keeping it simple and just beginning. Don’t wait until you have a clear definition of your values to start—it’s a living document that evolves as you practice and engage with it. So start with defining them behaviorally through how you think, behave, and respond to daily life. Here are three practical strategies to help you integrate your values into daily life:
- Set Daily Intentions: Each morning, reflect on your core values and set intentions for how you will embody them throughout the day. For example, if one of your values is kindness, decide to perform at least one act of kindness each day. Setting these daily intentions helps keep your values at the forefront of your mind and guides your actions.
- Reflect and Adjust: At the end of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on how well you lived according to your values. Identify areas where you succeeded and areas where you can improve. This daily reflection reinforces your commitment and allows you to make adjustments as needed, ensuring continuous growth and alignment with your values.
- Simplify and Prioritize: Focus on one to two core values at a time to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Simplifying your approach allows you to concentrate your efforts and see more significant progress. Over time, as these values become more integrated into your life, you can gradually incorporate additional values.
Conclusion
In the end, working on identifying your values and using them to keep your emotions in check and grow is an antidote to many of the problems we face. By adulthood, our personalities and values are usually well-formed, guiding our lives like a compass. Strong and refined values, fueled by intense emotions, provide optimism and resilience against life’s challenges. Embracing our values humanizes us and fosters a sense of common humanity, reminding us of our shared purpose and the importance of living a life aligned with our deepest convictions.
Understanding and living your values is not just a philosophical exercise; it’s a practical approach to navigating life with clarity and purpose. Practicing your values is an act of standing up for your beliefs, who you are, and what you stand for. Your behaviors then become a symbol that unifies you with humanity and universal needs. Drinking a cup of tea, exercising, or working a job will no longer feel mundane—it will tie you to your reasons for living. As you reflect on your values and align your actions with them, you’ll find a renewed sense of direction and fulfillment, enriching both your life and the lives of those around you.
Additionally, holding yourself accountable—whether through self-reflection, journaling, or sharing your journey with a trusted friend or therapist—can significantly reinforce your commitment to living by your values. By defining and living by your values, you create a foundation for personal integrity and a purposeful life, helping you navigate challenges with confidence and clarity.
Deeper Dive
If you are struggling or would like support in your journey, I strongly encourage seeking support from a qualified professional – it doesn’t have to be from us.
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About the Author
Albert Nguyen is a psychotherapist dedicated to enhancing mental health through Optimind Counseling. Specializing in anxiety, depression, and peak performance, Albert and his team offer an eclectic and integrative approach tailored for children, teens, and adults. Discover transformative mental health care and start your journey today. Connect with Albert and his team for a personalized path to mental wellness here.
