We live in a society that often praise us for being “strong” and “tough.” And that emotions such as anger or sadness are “negative” feelings. This type of message encourages us to inhibit, avoid, or suppress real emotional experiences – we learn to interpret the discomfort of “negative” emotions as something to be feared.  Let’s face it: dealing with painful emotions is hard. As a result, many people will fall into the habit of avoiding those emotions. And so, we build these elaborate tools to dodge authentic expressions or confronting difficulties directly out of fear. Instead, some of us replace them with avoidant behaviors, anesthetizing with chemicals, or what we think is socially desirable – pretending we’re okay or faking it till we make it – which can lead to denial, projecting/blaming others, reassurance/validation-seeking, people-pleasing, abusing drugs and substances, or carrying unresolved trauma or untreated grief. For many of us, we don’t learn to leverage these emotions until the old idea of “acting tough” or “being strong” no longer works.  It’s a known fact in psychology that suppressed emotions are multiplied – this means pushing away or ignoring your emotions make them stronger (and not in the best way). And when this becomes a vicious cycle, we decrease our ability to cope and increase the possibility of losing control over them.

No Emotions Are Inherently Bad

There exists a subtle emotional stigma, shame or rigidity in everyday conversations that delineate positive emotions from negative emotions, appropriate from inappropriate, and desirable from undesirable. This rigidity can lead to a lot of inner suffering, an inability or marked difficulty in processing emotions or lack of empathy for the full spectrum of emotions. In order to master our emotions, we actually have to feel them. That means that the message has to change. No emotion is bad! There certainly are emotions that are uncomfortable. But ALL emotions serve a purpose – to alert us that something needs to change and to motivate us to make that change. They essentially are states of mind and signals that allow us to pay more attention to the events that triggered them. Avoiding or ignoring these signals are a BIG NO-NO – because by not paying attention to your emotions, you rob yourself of the self-knowledge necessary to develop the tools to manage them effectively. The solution is to build emotional courage.

What is Emotional Courage?

Emotional courage is the willingness to feel – to open yourself up to experience the unpleasant emotions. It’s about doing what matters, following your heart and intuition, and aligning yourself with your values in the face of painful and difficult emotions instead of resorting to what’s most convenient or comfortable.

Emotional courage comprises of the following key skills:

1. Self-awareness – the ability to recognize your own emotions, behaviors, beliefs, motivations and other characteristics such as strengths and weaknesses.
2. Cognitive skills – the ability to think critically, acquisition of knowledge, assimilate/manipulate information, articulate/expression of thoughts/feelings, attention/focus, and problem-solving.
3. Self-compassion – the ability to turn empathy, validation, acceptance, and love inward.
4. Emotional resilience – the ability to process, respond and cope or regulate the stress, uncertainty or unexpected situations/crises.

Emotion vs Behavior

When I was running an anger management program for adolescents in a gang-impacted school district, I quickly learned that emotions are hardly ever the problem or something to be fixed – but they are experiences in need of VALIDATION.  It was the behaviors that the students engaged in that caused problems in their lives. As a result, most of them were getting punished – detention, suspension, or on the verge of being expelled. And with the high burnout rates for teachers, the dependency for punishment towards these students’ delinquent and defiant behaviors were commonplace. This easily became cultural norm at this particular school – a negative feedback loop that only perpetuated the problem. In response to this problem, I attempted to improve the school culture by running group therapy, which gave the teachers some respite from these students while raising awareness around mental health and engaging the students that needed support the most. The group sessions started out rough – but I stood my ground because I wanted to treat them differently – in a way they were not used to (with the hope to break a pattern). For the students that stuck it out with me, I remember how their faces and behaviors changed after about 5-6 group sessions.

What changed?

I kept showing them unconditional positive regard, love and acceptance. It was a lot of patience on my end.

But the main lesson here is that feelings are natural and you are entitled to feel your emotions. By improving your emotional awareness, you increase your capacity to respond more effectively. The problem with the “negative” emotional states come from the typical behavioral associations that it often gets paired with such as hostile/aggressive behaviors (i.e., shouting, hitting, breaking things, hurting others, self-harm, etc.). The students had to learn that feeling angry is not the same as acting angry. Anger and other challenging emotional states can be exhibited behaviorally in so many different ways. We can’t always control what we feel, but we can decide on how to act. We have a choice. Many of these maladaptive behaviors can be remedied when one stops hiding from their own feelings. This was exactly what happened with the students I worked with throughout the anger management program.

The major transformations from the students I worked with came from their courage to eventually share, open up and process their feelings and stories of grief/trauma among each other. Another important aspect of their healing was finding an effective outlet that would allow them to creatively express themselves – especially their pain. I’m a huge advocate for physical movements as a means to express emotions.  I believe that most emotional pain or trauma creates a feeling of disability, stuck-ness, and immobility – movement is the opposite of that and there is power in it to nurture emotional freedom. It’s important that you acknowledge your own emotional experiences and proactively find and test adaptive, healthy and creative outlets that’s right for you.

So, the takeaway here is:

1. Acknowledge your emotions
2. Feel your emotions
3. Find an outlet to channel your emotions

Start With STOP

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

There is a reason why we think that our emotions and behaviors are one in the same since emotions can go from 0 to 100 almost instantaneously – leading to strong, compulsive urges that hijacks logical thinking and executive reasoning altogether.

Research suggests that intense emotions such as rage, panic, and shock can impair your judgments and reasoning – it’s like driving while intoxicated. Being under the influence of these strong emotions – especially the uncomfortable ones – can lead to destructive, self-sabotaging and self-defeating behaviors.

A quick tip that is taught very often in therapy: STOP. This is a mindfulness technique that helps you check-in with yourself and practice slowing down especially during heightened emotional states. It’s a simple acronym:

S: Stop. Just pause momentarily.

T: Take a breath. Re-connect with your breath. The breath is an anchor to the present moment.

O: Observe. Notice what is happening. What is happening inside you and outside of you? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you doing?

P: Proceed with caution. Continue doing what you were doing. Or don’t: Use the information gained during this check-in to change course. Whatever you do, do it mindfully.

Think of the STOP technique as an actual stop sign – e.g. If you’re driving too fast, you can miss all the signs and signals, making you prone to accidents. But if you stop and slow down, you can be more aware and proceed with caution and safety.  The aim is to slow down your emotions just enough to convert it into more constructive (rather than destructive) behaviors. You must take the wheel from the emotions so that the emotions can calm down.

Be Unstoppable

 Act boldly while feeling scared.

Act with honor while feeling angry.

Act with love while feeling sad.

Whatever you do, practice acceptance. Let yourself feel your feelings – it is the first step towards managing them. If you can allow yourself to feel your emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones, you can unlearn and relearn that feeling and behaving are two different things – e.g. feeling angry is not the same as acting angry; feeling sad is not the same as acting sad. The more you can create a safe, internal space for your emotions – one that is built on compassion, unconditional love, and nonjudgment – the more these uncomfortable emotions and feelings become less scary. When they become less scary, you behave differently when they show up. Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable or be okay with not being okay. And when you apply and practice this principle, you will be UNSTOPPABLE.

I will end this blog with Dr. Susan David’s TED talk on The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage:

About Author

Albert Nguyen is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. He specializes in providing an integrative and eclectic approach to mental health care that includes personal self-care, anxiety and depression, and peak performance in children, teens and adults. Reach out for more information on how he can be of service to you here.