As part of my efforts to grieve and fight, I wrote this letter to suicide weeks after a dear friend of mine died by suicide on October 2, 2020 – at the pandemic’s peak – no more than two weeks from when I last saw her. Her plan went unnoticed – she was living and suffering in secrecy. And within that darkness, she lost all hope. She felt utterly alone in her struggles. And this secret consumed her – before I, or anyone else, even had the chance to reach out and attempt to SAVE her life.
As a mental health worker, suicide has always been on my radar – something I prioritize and make efforts to prevent. I have taken hundreds of hours of countless trainings, classes, and workshops. And with the death of my friend by suicide, I am reminded that the fight will never be over.
Suicide is all around us.
LETTER TO SUICIDE
Dear Suicide,
I haven’t forgotten about you. You’re my every other conversation over the past decade of my life as a therapist. I’m not afraid to speak about you because I’m absolutely terrified of what you’re capable of doing if I don’t. In fact, you’ve been one of my greatest fears. It’s been part of my mission to bring you out of hiding – to do what I have to do to stop you.
Yet, after all I’ve been through – from meeting and confronting you for the first time as a young child – to learning more about you in college – then going through countless suicide prevention trainings as a professional – and hearing about you often from hundreds of clients. I have seen the impact you made over the years. And just when I thought I knew everything about you, I was in for a rude awakening.
None of my experiences prepared me for this: the life you have recently claimed. You’ve shaken me to my very core, more than ever before. And while I know I am more than capable of coping with this and bouncing back, I will NOT FORGET you and what you’ve done. Honestly, that’s why I’m here. I’m thinking about you. I can’t passively grieve and move on from this without a fight, because I know, just because this person is gone – YOU ARE FAR FROM DONE.
You’ve gotten stronger over the years, claiming more lives than I would like to admit.
You’re still out there, fiercer than ever. You’re clever – influential, persuasive, and full of promises that are compelling. You don’t discriminate.
I do not underestimate you.
You have clearly shown what you’re capable of – yet, I’m still amazed by how people still tiptoe and tap dance around you as if you don’t exist, when that’s exactly how you become your strongest. You operate best in secrecy – you thrive on shame, pain and suffering. You begin as a whisper that metastasize to one’s spirit and soul. You isolate your victims – until they spiral down a dark hole in what feels like the complete bottom – so far down that any effort feels hopeless, insignificant, and exhausting.
That is why I must continue to fight – to find you, go where you are, and shed some light – to let your potential victims know that there is HOPE and that they are not ALONE.
You’re not easy to talk about, especially for those who don’t know you that well, because some people cannot imagine or understand how a person can even consider you as a viable solution to life’s problems. Why would anyone what to believe or accept this? It must mean that they’re “crazy,” right?
No.
I’ve seen how you can influence people – from as young as 5yrs old to as old as 70yrs old. The truth is, you reach out to those who suffer. You’re no stranger to us. And, even though I know you mean well, I will not stand by and let you claim more lives. I’m here to take your place in reaching out to those who suffer.
You recently took one of my own – a colleague that was on this very mission to break the silence. I had spoken with her on many accounts about mental health awareness, things she can do to help others, and ways to continue to build herself up to take on this monumental and noble path. But, little did I know, she was in communication with you – and she didn’t dare to breach that confidentiality. You took her before she was able to break her own silence – before I even had the chance to tell her…that she’s NOT ALONE – that she’s ENOUGH and that she is IMPORTANT – that she’s NEEDED – and that she should LIVE. You took me by absolute shock.
And since that day, I’ve been grieving. People tell me it’s not my fault, to not be too hard on myself, or that she didn’t want anyone to know and that I did what I could at the time. And then, some people just want me to move on from you – to get over this as fast and painlessly as possible. They all mean well. But they don’t know you like I do.
It’s not that I am in denial or cannot accept this tragic occurrence – I fully accept it, but I am also defying it. My work with you is not done. You have reawakened me – humbled me – I’ve been re-evaluating my abilities as a professional.
I just want you to know, this isn’t OVER. This is NOT the END. There’s a reason you remain a leading cause of death. But, you’re a unique kind of casualty – one that many people, like myself, have spent years trying to prevent, educate, and raise awareness around.
I can’t come to tell you how much this recent loss hurts – and how much fear you’ve instilled in me. It’s difficult to grasp how you’ve slipped pass my attention. And while there may have been no clear warning signs, trust me, I’m left to wonder what clues I might have missed.
There many factors that can lead a person to decide to take their own life – many of these factors exist only in secrecy. So, for those of you who have loss someone to suicide, survived suicide, or are currently struggling with suicide, are you ready to break the silence? The more we talk, understand and have empathy for suicide, the less power suicide has over us.
I promise you that you do not need to be alone because you are NOT ALONE.
Sincerely,
Albert Nguyen
SUICIDE CAN BE PREVENTED.
Suicide is a serious public health problem. Suicide and suicide attempts impact the health and well-being of loved ones, friends and the community. But it is preventable. In fact, 90% of people who attempt suicide and survive never go on to die by suicide.
However, everyone has a role to play to save a life and improve the efforts on this fight to prevent suicide and break centuries of stigma that still permeates through our communities.
These movements begin with you – each and every one of us.
Share this article. Stay connected. Strengthen access to support and professional care. Create safe environments. Teach and talk about mental health and coping skills. Reach out and educate yourself.
If you need help or know someone who does – reach out and use the resources below:
Contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or Dial 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
- Both are free and confidential. You’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor in your area.
For more information, visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifelineexternal icon.
You can also connect 24/7 to a crisis counselor by texting the Crisis Text Line.external icon Text HOME to 741741.
If you are interested in learning more about how you can get involved or support my efforts in suicide awareness and prevention, please reach out.
IN MEMORY OF THU ANH NGUYEN
February 15, 1994 – October 2, 2020
You will not be forgotten.
About the Author
Albert Nguyen offers workshops and group support for suicide survivors, surviving loved ones, and prevention workshops. Albert is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice. He specializes in providing an integrative and eclectic approach to mental health care that includes personal self-care, anxiety and depression, and peak performance in children, teens and adults. Reach out for more information on how he can be of service to you here.
